Sunday, August 12, 2012

Soap Box Time

When can a mom and wife break down? When are they allowed and does it have to be for a good reason? I am in a mood. Got that way last night and I thought I would stop feeling this way when I woke up. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and felt more frustrated. I am frustrated at numerous things. 
It started last night when I decided we would clean out my step sons room and get rid of some toys and clothes that don't fit and get some toys out for Logan to play with. Logan and Race now have to share a room. Even though Race is not here most of the time the room is mainly Logans. 
Yeah so....You know those extra large rubbermaid tubs? Yeah these
There were THREE of them full! Completely full. This boy had tons of stuff and guess what. None of it hardly even bought by us. He had remote control cars, games, expensive Lego kits. He had one of those remote control cars that you build yourself. Kind of like build a bear but for boys. Yup broken. After we (his dad and I) found all the pieces to it and charged the batteries etc..Yup broken. Then he had another awesome remote control car that would turn into a truck. Pretty freaking awesome, special battery for it, missing. So both those are trash. His laser tag, one missing many other battery operated things trashed due to missing pieces or just broken. He had wonderful sets of Legos such as star wars and hero factory. All the pieces scattered in these three boxes, in the floor, under the bed. Trashed! I have had it. I give up. I have cleaned this room, organized it and put everything nice and neat and it gets destroyed so if I did not know what it went to it got trashed. I found numerous backs to battery operated stuff but no toy it went to. I found loads of batteries everywhere and we are always searching for them. Tools of my husbands in his room. I just got frustrated. Not to mention I found tons of socks in there. The whole time going through this I could not help but think of how much trouble I would get into for taking care of my things like this let alone if I was lucky enough to get those kinds of toys. Here is what is left. Well not all but mostly
And here is the trash, some of it

So after cleaning all this up I was hoping today would be better. I got up looked at my house and realized its horrible! Our entertainment center is falling apart, our couch is breaking down we have crap everywhere! So here I am frustrated still! I know I should not start cleaning it up because I could end up throwing everything away. I am so sick of the clutter and the falling apart furniture with no means to replace it. Then this brings me to being angry at myself. Why can't my photography start taking off so I can bring in some extra money for this family? Why do I feel the need to have some nicer things? Why do I procrastinate so much? Wish there was something I could do. I would work but then I would have to pay baby sitter and there goes all my money because that is all I am capable of doing. Minimum wage. Why can I not be better?? Ugh the frustration and then there is my baby boy. 
He is barely eating and is so picky when it comes to eating and he is losing weight so of course I am freaked out about that. His not talking or communicating with us worries me. I am trying so hard to think of things to do for him to learn, to communicate. I have thought about putting a book together to help him learn. Such as pictures in a book and working with him everyday. I have looked through magazines and realized to just take my own pictures. But how can I do this when I have other stuff and my husband already laughs at me when I say I need to do this or that. Yeah am frustrated and ready for a break down. 

The Not-So-Secret Confessions of a First Time Mom

The Things We Find Inside


  1. I certainly do not have all the answers for myself, much less anyone else... but as I read in your blog I felt such compassion for your frustrations! I've felt much of what you've described, too!!! Oh, how I wish we could know more sometimes!

    I wanted to share a couple ideas that struck me as I read... If your baby boy is losing weight at an alarming rate (only you can determine this), then there is something that needs to be done. If, however, he has lost a little and is still up and about like there's not problem... well, there probably isn't a problem.

    Also, I don't know how old he is or why you're concerned that he isn't communicating, but I want to share with you a lil' info about me in hopes that it might comfort you... I hope it will! My three girls didn't speak much at all until they were older than 14 months. And then the word aquisition was not stellar. They didn't talk well at all until older than 2 and at that point most people couldn't understand their speech. Honestly, they haven't been regularly understood by others until around 3 years old! And my 17 month old son is following their lead. My point? Averages are just that. Not ALL children do what is average!!!! There are some that weigh less than the average. There are some who speak later (much later, as in my kiddos cases) than the rest. My eldest daughter is now 8 and reads at a high school level. My 5 year old reads at a 6th grade level. They have retention levels much higher than their ages, based on common testing practices. They speak WELL and are understood by all who hear them. In fact, most folks who actually take a minute to hear what they have to say are WOWED by what comes out of their mouths. Seriously. My final point is, I think, I hope to calm your concern by showing you this part of my truth. :)

    Second to last point... have you looked at diet for your little guy? He may be slightly allergic to something regularly appearing in his diet and so having belly pains, which can make a person not want to eat again anytime soon. Elimination diets are awesome... the first couple things to eliminate are always milk and wheat products... just ideas, of course. These changes have made dramatic impacts on me and my kiddos and would've never guessed I had any problems with cow's milk - grew up on the stuff!!! But I do! Found out through eliminating and then drinking and then eliminating again. WAY less expensive than Doc visit and allergy tests!!! Especially if you don't have insurance.

    Finally, fear is antithetical to faith/peace. If we are in peace/faith (assured that we are doing all we can and that everything really will turn out all right, we will not feel fear). Find your Peace through Faith in someone or something and you will be creep farther and farther away from the edge of the breakdown you suggested you were close to. I know this is absolutely true from my own journey!!

    Best wishes. And big hugs!!!

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment. Logan is 18 months old and he says nothing. He was evaluated by his doctor and they are setting up an appointment to see about autism, its that or he is stubborn. I am discouraged by his weight loss (its not a lot) for the fact he was a chunky baby and now that he is walking he has slimmed down. He does have food allergies which set off his eczema so his diet is limited as it is and he is so so picky. He wont eat what we are for dinner. We usually have to get him something special. I do what I can I just feel like he should eat more. Maybe it is the fact that I am an overprotective mom. Once again thank you for your comment.

  2. Parts of your post could have been written by me. Sometimes it's just not easy - let's face it - A LOT of the time it's just not easy. I think your honesty about it will help you though. Some women just won't admit how frustrated and just plain old sick and tired they get.

    The above comment by Tori brings up a good point about diet. If your son is in fact autistic, there is a huge amount of information linking diet and autism. I encourage you to take some time when you have it and do some research on the subject. There have been many success stories from parents who put their children on what's known as the GAPS diet, but there are other elimination-based diets as well.

    Best wishes!

    1. Thank you Sharon and I will definitely look into this GAPS diet. Today has not been the best of days on his eating either. I got him to eat some cereal. Very little and then made him some eggs, he threw them in the floor. I made him a grilled cheese and he ate 1/4 of it. The rest in the floor. I even tried to give him favorite (flour tortillas), nope in the floor it went to.

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