Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I Now Have 2 Angel Babies

Miscarriage- Premature end of a pregnancy before the developing fetus is able to survive outside the womb. Also referred to as a "spontaneous abortion" (Medical Definition)

Miscarriage- The loss of a baby during pregnancy (Non Medical Definition)

There are different  types of miscarriages 
Blighted Ovum
Ecotopic Pregnancy
Molar Pregnancy
Missed Miscarriage
Complete Miscarriage
Incomplete Miscarriage
(I am sure there are more)

Finding statistics on miscarriage is easy but its almost all different. My doctor says 1 out of every 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. My latest statistic is 2/3, altogether 3/5. I know the statistics could be worse and others have suffered many more losses than I have. Either way it still hurts. 

I experienced my first loss in September 17th of 2008. I do not remember every extensive detail but remember enough to tell the story. When I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic and told everyone including my boss at work. I was very early on in my pregnancy and figured I should have waited to say anything but my excitement took the best of me. It took 6 months to get pregnant with this baby and that was fast so I was happy. I had some pregnancy symptoms such as breast tenderness and breakouts but nothing else really. I had been 7 years since I was last pregnant. I remember symptoms being more strong. I thought something was not right but ignored it. About a week after I had announced my pregnancy I started having some mild cramping. I had an ultrasound (u/s)  and bloodwork to check my HCG levels. The results of the u/s sowed I was off my dates. I was told not to worry. They scheduled an u/s at the hospital to take a better look. Before I went to that appointment the blood work showed that my progesterone levels were low. I was was of course prescribed the hormrone. I went in for my 2nd u/s. The tech of course did not say anything about the findings. I am not sure how long it took for my doctor to call me with the results but it seemed like days. The nurses words were "You have been diagnosed with a blighted ovum" (this happens when a fertilized egg attaches to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop). My heart sank. I googled everything until my doctors appointment the next day. I read many stories of misdiagnosed miscarriages and had hope this was one. I asked for yet another u/s in hopes there had been more development. The results showed the opposite. Things were shrinking. I was given my options. 1) Wait and let my body miscarry on its own. 2) Take a pill to speed the natural process along or 3) Get a D&C or what is called a dilation and curettage. I chose the D&C. I just wanted it to be over. September 17th 2008 was the day of my procedure. The tears went rolling when they put the mask on then I was out. My recovery was very easy physically. I barely cramped and almost no bleeding. It took time to recover emotionally but I did for the most part. It will always hurt but easier. I will always have questions. June 2010 I got my next positive pregnancy test result. It took almost 2 years to be able to conceive Logan but I finally did. He was born February 12th, 2011. 

My second loss. July 2014. This pregnancy was a complete surprise. Eric had a vasectomy and I was on the pill for my PMDD. I had asked Eric to test his fertility so I could come to terms that I would never have another baby. He agreed and purchased a sperm check test. It sat in our bathroom for a bit. Logan had surgery and I was so busy I just did not refill my BC pill. Why worry to much? Eric had a vasectomy. About 2 weeks later Eric took the test and we got a positive result. Oh my what a surprise!! Should we try to have a baby? Should I refill my prescription? While we were trying to figure out whether we wanted to try to conceive, we already had!! I thought I was starting my period. It lasted a day and was very light and colored almost like old blood. I started getting dizzy and had sore breasts. I googled implantation bleeding all night and sent Eric for a home pregnancy test the next day. He thought I was crazy! I thought I was crazy!! No way this happened within two weeks of being off birth control. It took me 2 years to get pregnancy with Logan. 
Our test came back positive. All five test said I was pregnant. There were no words to describe the joy that over came me. Eric on the other hand was shocked. Not excited, not mad but shocked. My first appointment, June 17th 2014, we had our first u/s. Not much was seen. It was to early of course. The doctor said I was about 4.5 weeks along. We scheduled another appointment 10 days out. In the meantime I noticed the only symptoms I was having was breast soreness and breaking out. To much like my previous blighted ovum. I just did not feel pregnant...Next u/s, June 27th, 2014, there was progress. I now had a gestational sac and what was the beginning of a yolk sac. I was measuring to be around 5 to 6 weeks along. I still was not fully at ease but the doctor seemed very optimistic. Once again I was told I probably ovulated late and was off on my dates. Another u/s was scheduled for another 10 days out. In the meantime Eric wanted to pick baby names, so we did. I did not reveal our choices to much of anyone and still will not reveal them. Eric was getting more and more excited. He even posted the u/s picture up on facebook captioned with "first look at baby" His excitement was growing as well as mine. This was meant to be! We were meant to have this baby with the way it all happened. I still had not developed any more pregnancy symptoms.
July 7th 2014, my next appointment, my next u/s. I was very nervous attended this one on my own. I told Eric if it was good news I would not call but if it was bad news I would call him. Obviously I had my doubts. I once again had progressed. There was a gestational sac and now a beautiful round yolk sac. That was it. A small embryo maybe. But the doctor was not positive. Almost all the optimism was wiped off his face but he refused to tell me any bad news but I felt it. I knew in my heart it was over. It was all to good to be true. The next step was blood work. 
I drove home in tears. Consequently it was storming out. When I got home I called Eric even though I did not have bad news but I did not have good news either. I just needed to cry to him, even if he was not there. My heart was breaking. How could this happen again? Eric began asking me so many questions I did not have answers to. When he got home we both called and talked to the nurse together. She assured us that this was NOT a blighted ovum. She put a lot of worries at ease. I still knew it wasn't right. I was praying for waves of nausea to come over me, to be become so tired I could not function. The nurse was concerned about my blood work. My HCG levels were low, around 23,000 but without a second reading it was just a number. I was scheduled to go back on Wednesday, another 48 hours later. 
Eric went with me this time. We went first thing in the morning so we could be sure that the results would be back by the end of the day. The wait was nerve wrecking! Eric was optimistic so I tried to be that way even though I knew. I have always known. The phone rang, my heart raced and I started shaking. I did not want to answer the phone. I did not want to hear bad news. I of course had to answer because Eric refused. The nurses voice was very sympathetic and my heart stopped. "Its not good is it?" She said " I am sorry but the levels only rose 1,000, we should have seen these numbers double" I began to cry and handed the phone off to Eric while she was telling me my options. I knew it.....I knew this was to good to be true. I could not believe it. Again...all over again. She even asked if I knew what a blighted ovum was? I just wanted to yell at her! Had she not read my chart??? I already had an appointment for Friday so we decided we would just keep that appointment, get one more u/s and make a decision then. Eric did not want to believe it. He still had hope. We both made the mistake and lived on google for the next 24 hours! We found so many miracle stories and contradicting information. Lots of questions came across our minds. I was trying to hold onto a small ounce of hope. Eric wasnt ready to give up. We read that as long as the numbers rose and did not fall that there was hope, anything over 6,000 could take up to 96 hours to double, some people just have low hormone levels, uterus being tilted back could make the heart beat hard to see, Doctors had recommended a D&C but people had ignored this and went on to have healthy babies that could have ended due to a D&C.....Could we have a miracle happen? Could this happen to someone like me and Eric?? I knew it was over but sill prayed for a miracle. I prayed if it was viable to let me have all the miserable pregnancy symptoms to come over me at once and if not then just let me miscarry...make it happen. The next day I started cramping and having some light spotting. It was real, it was happening. I even showed Eric and told him this was it. We were not getting that miracle. We both cried......Then I knew I wanted a D&C. I did not want to go through this. I did not want the painful cramps, the awful bleeding and the passing of everything. I could not handle it emotionally. I needed closure and needed to be able to move on. 
Eric still wanted another u/s so we had one the following morning. Friday July 11th 2014. Everything was starting to detach. It was happening. A D&C was scheduled for the next day. Saturday. My doctor happened to be on call and could do the surgery. Eric and I were sent home to deal with our emotions. I was o.k., I had already knew it was coming. Up to this point I had already cried so many tears I was cried out. I had become numb and just wanted to move on. The miracle baby was no longer existent. Like I said, it was all to good to be true. Eric on the other hand got his confirmation and was now angry. Angry at the fact that individuals can pop babies out left and right and we lost ours. He genuinely was excited and wanted this baby that he once was not so sure he was even ready for. His excitement had been building up everyday. His heart was broken as well. We had to break our news to everyone, even the kids were saddened by the news.  

Saturday morning arrived and we were ready. I was fine until I was pushed out of recovery into my room to finish recovering. Everyone left the room and I broke down and tears began to fall once again. It was done, my baby was gone. Eric just held me while I sobbed. We are now back home and trying to recover and move on. It may sound cold hearted but we think its best for us but we have deleted pictures, discarded the u/s pictures. I even started crocheting a blanket for baby but that will now be a new blanket for Logan made his mommy. Emotionally this has taken a toll on us. We are suffering..I am hoping it passes. Both of us are angry and taking it out on each other. Physically my recovery has been a little more rough than the first. I was told because there was more "contents" in my uterus.(horrible way for the nurse to put it) I was further along. I have had more pain, more bleeding, more fatigue and more stress. This to I hope passes. Whether or not we will try again is up in the air. I am scared to try. Most miscarriages are said to be caused by chromosomal issues or by low hormone levels. I have now suffered through 2 losses. Logan was born in between these two losses and he has autism and a chromosome deletion. Naturally I now blame myself for the losses and for Logans disability. Everyone says not to blame myself but its almost impossible with these facts staring me in the face. Its hard to be confident in my reproductive capabilities. As time moves on and Eric and I get pass the anger, we will figure out our next move. 

I now have two angel babies! 


  1. Oh I am so sorry I too have suffered a miscarriage mine was at four months and I know how hard that is to accept, especially when my first born was born at 7 months, I was sad and angry. I did go on to have another baby two years after the miscarriage and she was also born at seven months sometimes I wonder if I had done something different and held on for those three more months but then realized I probably would not have had my last daughter because of complications after those two pregnancies and she was my miracle baby.
    I do know things seem bad right now and my heart goes out to you and your husband. Try not to fret too much things happen everyday there are lots of questions in this world we will never understand. Two angels I like the way you think Take care of yourselves. HUG. B

    1. Oh my, I am sorry for your loss! We are doing our best to just move on but everyone keeps bringing it up. I do not have issues with the condolences as much as Eric does. He had a rough first day back at work needless to say. Thank you for your kind words. Have a wonderful mid-week.


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